Why Wait, Buy Now!
I was watching the Today Show yesterday morning, as I do every morning, while getting dressed and combing the Brillo pad, known as my hair. Lately it seems every time I comb my hair, enough of it falls out for me to make a small Brillo pad. I have enough “Brillo pads” to set up a table on the corner of Broad and Market and open my own store.
Maybe I shouldn’t use the curling iron on my hair everyday, but like Penny from Good Times, I burn it because it was bad.
So as I was saying, I was watching the Today Show with Meredith Vieira and a representative from Julien’s Auctions was on as a guest. Later this month, Julien’s will be auctioning off items that belonged to Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley’s personal physician.
The items aren’t even that desirable, but the hefty price tags make them nothing to sneeze at. Take for example, Marilyn Monroe’s umbrella. It’s being auctioned for $16 to $18,000 and it was only used in a photo shoot. Nobody knows for sure if the darn thing can even repel water.
It will probably never see the light of day. The potential buyer might as well take $18,000, cash, put it in a box and store it in the closet. Same thing.
I will never understand why anyone would pay thousands of dollars for stuff that belonged to a celebrity.
Sure, I admire people, but after they are dead that’s when I sever the relationship. They will not get any more worship or admiration from me.
I know it’s not unusual for a celebrity’s movie, CD or DVD, to see a boost in sales after they have expired, but if I didn’t want their stuff while they were alive, then I definitely don’t want it after they’re dead.
That segment got me wondering about my own personal belongings. In this article from USA Today, “three tablespoons of water said to have been touched by The King at a 1977 concert, sold on eBay for $455. Then, someone else paid thousands for a “guest appearance” by the cup that held the water from which Elvis sipped nearly 30 years ago.”
Shaking my head.
I don’t want people selling my stuff after I die, so I’m going to sell it to you now, below cost.
You can buy the Styrofoam cup I sipped water out of, not 30 years ago, but 30 minutes ago. I will throw in a 16 ounce of bottled water and if you want me to touch the water, please indicate your wishes when you pay.
Next on the lot is a wad of gum masticated personally by me. I’m no Britney Spears, but I have gum and I’m not afraid to discard of it. It can be yours, if the price is right. Please note: It does not come with the happy face. I had to dress it up to make it look more appealing to potential buyers for obvious reasons. It’s. A. Piece. Of. Chewed. Gum!
Justin Timberlake’s half eaten toast sold for $3,100? Well, I was running late yesterday morning and didn’t get a chance to finish my breakfast and I also have a half eaten piece of toast. Unlike Justin, I will throw in the napkin used to wipe my hands and mouth.
I don’t know if my piece of toast is worth $3,100, the loaf of bread was only $2.50, but I’m almost certain if you hold it up to the light, you can see an outline of the Virgin Mary. Check it!
That should get the price close to $2,500.
This watch was gifted by Elvis to his personal physician and will fetch as much as $20,000. Do you know how many watches you can buy at Wal-Mart for $20,000, and that watch doesn’t even have any numbers on it. I call that defective.
You can buy my watch for a fraction, of a fraction, of a fraction of that price, or for cheap.
Last on my list is an empty bottle of Women’s One A Day Vitamins. The empty pill bottles that belonged to Elvis may fetch $800 – $1200. At that price, I’m thinking, no….leave the pills inside. I’m going to need them after I write a check for something I could have purchased from the dollar store.
I’m not on any medication, although I probably should be, but these vitamins have been good to me and my vitality. Actually they were only good to me for 60 days, and then I had to replenish with another bottle, but I used it. Unlike Elvis, that’s me in the picture.
I don’t know what the obsession is with celebrities and their discarded junk, but if there is a market for it, then I want in on it. I know I’m not famous, but I could be one day, so why wait, buy now!
This empty bottle of Kaluah was used in the completion of this post. Okay that’s not true, but it is my bottle and it’s special to me. I’ve had it for over 4 years; I think that counts for something.
Wait, wait, wait, that’s not the end of this post, where you going? I have more items for sale here. These items will not last forever.
Don’t wait until I’m dead, buy now.
EDIT: Julien’s continues to mess with my links, if you get an error, go here and complain, but don’t buy anything from them, buy from me.
In: Humor · Tagged with: Auction, For Sale, Humor
on June 5, 2009 at 9:22 pm
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Oh, my good God. Three tablespoons of water touched by the King? Wha? Huh ? I would not want that or pay good money for it, but I’d love that piece of gum on your hand because it has a happy face on it and I have no doubt you will be famous some day. Will you take a nickel for it?
p.s. Your guns are awesome. Do you do Pilates or something? In fact, I would like your arms without any of the work. Will you be auctioning those off anytime soon?
3 tablespoons of water! the world has gone mad, well so have i, but i’m not paying anyone to watch. isn’t gummy cute. a nickel? sold!
i’ll fedex it to you.
oh thanks. no i don’t do pilates or even know how to. actually other than a few chair dips, lateral pull downs and preacher curls, i don’t do much to them. they are always last on the workout list because i think they are too manly looking…don’t tell anyone i told you that, our secret. they look meaty to me at times, but i don’t want wings. lol
Kathy´s last blog post..A What’s That Winner
on June 5, 2009 at 11:18 pm
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Valerie, you are so, so funny. It’s been a long day… I needed the laugh. Thanks. And no, I don’t get it either.
hi vered, i need to laugh…a little silliness and laughter clears the head, right? um, i don’t get what you don’t get. oh wait, i get it now. i’m slow. sorry.
on June 6, 2009 at 10:27 am
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HAHAHAHA! I really had to think for a minute. “The King”? Which king? OH! OK.
Yeah, I do not get the celebrity’s wadded-up kleenex fascination. First of all, prove it. Second, who cares? I would buy your gum but ONLY with the smiley face. C’mon. I know you doctored that piece of toast. You can draw on your chewed-up gum.
I agree with Kathy. Nice guns!
if anybody wants my nasty tissue and will pay for it, have at it. doctored nothing! that piece of virgin mary toast is real. not my fault mary looks like a stick figure, i think the resemblance, for the right price, is uncanny. lol. okay jd, i’m busted. i drew on the toast, but that’s just between us. i’ll send you some hush money if i sell it. deal?
JD at I Do Things´s last blog post..I Watched 5 Minutes of a Movie so you don’t have to
on June 6, 2009 at 10:38 am
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Those empty (nearly) Kahlua bottles should be prime real estate–how much inspiration has come out of them? How much personal joy and drowned sorrow?
I think you should hold out for more.
personal joy re: the bottle of kahlua. the memory is safe, but i will sell the bottle in a minute. i wonder if i should contact Julien’s and see if they can sit it right next to Marilyn’s umbrella. someone would have to be near drunk to buy either one of our items.
The Mother´s last blog post..Mummies and Mommies–NefHxMotherhood
on June 6, 2009 at 10:53 am
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Unless you’re planning to jump off the Empire State Building in a birthday suit, I’m afraid I won’t be investing in these collectibles. Except for the Virgin Mary toast – That drawing is a masterpiece. Really.
ling, i’m anti things that go splat. so i won’t be jumping off the empire state building, but how about i jump off my chest of drawers, that’s pretty high.
i couldn’t believe mary showed up on my toast. i always thought those people (who claimed to have seen her likeness) were a little touched, but since i experienced it first hand, well now i know they are. have marker, will draw my own conclusion.
on June 6, 2009 at 5:11 pm
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LOL – Valerie. I’m still considering the leftover shoe from the great monster chase. And I’m thrilled you’re including photos of yourself. Plus your photoshop skills are really improving
I REALLY don’t understand the things that people waste their money on. Hmm … but that shoe …
it’s a great shoe, kim. size 9.5 (normally i wear an 11) and very comfortable. you can wear it with a pant suit or even with jeans. i’m sorry i had to leave the other one behind, but will probably get a new pair once i’ve saved enough money. my photoshop skills are not great, but i’m still learning. you know photoshop, don’t you? photoshop for dummies is not that easy. i want a book with just the steps..no other dialogue. i can move around a little bit, but would love to do some really funky stuff with the program.
Kim Woodbridge´s last blog post..How to Create a Custom Facebook Fan Page
on June 6, 2009 at 7:50 pm
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Hi Valerie – This is too funny. As soon as I saw that piece of toast, I recognised the Virgin Mary on there. The likeness is uncanny.
i’m glad you see it too. the more people that confirm her likeness, the more the toast will be worth. we need money, have to buy more bread. lol.
on June 6, 2009 at 10:24 pm
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That is too funny! Even as a kid, I never understood the obsession and fetish with what a celebrity, ate, touched, wore, sat on, looked at, etc.
hi carla, i guess i do understand it a little, but the minute i have to pay for something, that’s when i sober up to not needing it. i’ve met a few celebrities and unlike marsha brady who said “i’ll never wash this cheek again” after being kissed by davey jones, i washed again. maybe even scrubbed. i might be more inclined to keep something that didn’t belong to a celebrity, i guess because it doesn’t come with a price tag. so um, did you see anything YOU wanted to buy from my collection? lol
Carla´s last blog post..Eco Fashion: Clothing Swapping – On and Offline
on June 7, 2009 at 7:57 am
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I’m still waiting for one of your microwave styrofoam plate masterpieces. Heck when you die they are going to be auctioning those off!!
oh yes, remind me to melt a few plates and put them aside before i die. right now we are eating off the china, hefty paper plates, and those babies don’t melt.
on June 7, 2009 at 8:19 am
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This is funny. I love your site.
hey linda, thanks for stopping by. glad you enjoyed me and all my craziness. i like to laugh.
Linda´s last blog post..OMG Suze Orman and I have the same birthday (not date)
on June 7, 2009 at 9:25 am
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I think I have to have “Comedy of Errors” but it must be signed. I will pay $5 extra for your autograph. Who should I write the check out to?
Also, I want the gum, but I have to have the attitude that comes with that picture. And a side note on the gum: I’m actually impressed that you take the gum out to talk on the phone.
Wait, wait! I just saw over on your classifieds that the gum doesn’t have teeth marks. I will pay an extra $2 for that.
Courteous and funny. I like that!
Lastly, check out your guns while holding that glass of water! I bow down to your height and your biceps.
ah, for you, señora, i will sign the book at no extra charge. you have to say that with a spanish accent, k? you want the gum? but it’s been in my mouth. i don’t chew gum, i did this once, to boost the quantity of my merchandise. no bowing down to my guns, i’m shooting blanks, but i will take a curtsey on my height. i like being tall.
cardiogirl´s last blog post..The book of questions, Volume 45
on June 7, 2009 at 2:07 pm
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Valerie, girl you are too much! You gave me a much needed laugh with this one. But I don’t understand why people go crazy over celebrity items either. I couldn’t imagine going crazy over some celebrity’s leftovers.
hey latoya, good to see you again. i don’t get it either, but i sure wish there was someone out there who wanted my used goods. i would have put this stuff on ebay, but i didn’t want them to revoke my account for nonsense. of course if i was a celebrity, they’d be digging through my trash and bragging that they have my dental floss.
on June 7, 2009 at 4:44 pm
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Valerie, I would like to take the Virgin Mary half eaten toast for a solid five dollars!
you got it. i will wrap it up for you and if mary is not a virgin any more when you get the toast, you do not get your money back. sorry.
meleah rebeccah´s last blog post..Dear Facebook
on June 8, 2009 at 1:23 pm
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Val, your blogs are priceless!!!! LMBO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
two of my co-workers want to have me committed…and someone is interested in the gum. buy now before the price goes up, i say!
on June 8, 2009 at 1:50 pm
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Hi Valerie – I don’t know photoshop very well – I’m not much of a graphics person.
And I didn’t even notice “by vBay” until the 2nd time I visited this article – too funny.
oh you don’t. i thought you would, you’re so knowledgeable with all things computer. i really was going to put this stuff on ebay, but didn’t want to get in trouble, so i had to settle for vbay. just as good, no fees to pay for listing.
Kim Woodbridge´s last blog post..First Week of My Community Supported Agriculture Farm Share
on June 8, 2009 at 6:03 pm
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Such innovation leave it to you to make money even in the decline . I like my gum with faces on it ..!hahaha
hello sandy. that’s right, leave it to me. there is money to be made everywhere! are you outbidding someone for the gum? do i hear, $10.00 for my gum, going, going….
sandy´s last blog post..Be Not Afraid, I go before you always
on June 9, 2009 at 7:20 am
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Deal!
mel,
meleah rebeccah´s last blog post..Involuntary Solitary Confinement May Lead To More Productivity
on June 9, 2009 at 10:40 am
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You never said (did you?) how much for the Brillo pads?
Kat (You are such a hoot!)
um, brillo pads will cost $5 each. i know it’s expensive, but it’s authentic human hair we’re talking about here. not horse or synthetic fibers.
Poetikat´s last blog post..Miss Sporting Life
on June 9, 2009 at 10:50 am
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You got anything in a can?
tracy, i’m afraid to give you anything in a can, lol. you are one brave soul. but if you have money to burn, i’ll put some of my dental floss in a can for you…8.00.
Tracy´s last blog post..People who need pupa are the pluckiest people
on June 9, 2009 at 11:17 am
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LOL…great post. I’m not that into celebrity memorabilia but I will admit I looked into buying some stuff from Christie’s big Star Trek auction a few years ago. But being cheap and broke was a problem…lol
If it’s not already taken I’ll give you $0.73 for the Kaluha bottle.
Your guns do rock!! I’m soo jealous.
i’m always of the mindset that i am cheap and broke regardless of whether it’s true or not. i just like the sound of it i guess. anybody can pay full price, but it takes a shrewd person to work a coupon. that would be a problem though buying from christie’s.
.73 cents for my empty bottle. oh no, it really is over 4 years old.
thanks.
Buf´s last blog post..Life’s amazing isn’t it?
on June 9, 2009 at 11:44 am
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OMG…LOVE the toast with the Virgin Mary!!!
That’s hysterical!!
You’re not going to believe this… but at one time I owned a piece of Robert Redford’s chewing gum (I stole it out of an ash tray), but I don’t think I would have bought it!?
HA!
Fun post, Val!
well i respect you for at least stealing it and not using your hard earned money to buy his unjuicy fruit. lol. i get a lot of weird looks at home. (drawing on toast).
Ron´s last blog post..Are Hickeys Back in Fashion?
on June 9, 2009 at 9:11 pm
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I’m all in for the Virgin Mary Toast, but can you verify that those are actual scorch marks and NOT magic marker? ‘Cuz when I eat my newly purchased (stale) toast, I don’t want to die of black ink poisoning or anything.
yes, i can verify that those are actual scorch marks, i mean, well when you say scorch, sometimes i set my markers ablaze, so yes – scorch marks. make that check out to valErie, not Arie.
Lin´s last blog post..It’s safe for birds again…
on June 10, 2009 at 1:21 pm
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You are crazy! I can imagine what you were saying while watching GMA! You were talking to the TV weren’t you? Something like, “They’re going to sale WHAT? Are you kidding me? I’ve got stuff to sale!…”
I know, and I wasn’t even there!
my lip was really twisted and i thought how ridiculous, then i said, hey wait a minute. i have stuff i can auction off, and then i gave birth. thanks for stopping over from the VIP Lounge. will stop by your pad.
LaTonya´s last blog post..Another First In My 40s
on June 11, 2009 at 4:18 pm
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Is it normal to be laughing this hard over a blog post? I swear, this is what’s keeping me young, chuckling like a mad-woman.
Hey, can I donate the spoon I just ate my chocolate Haagen-Dazs from? And my socks I was wearing the day I saw Queen Elizabeth II, still have them since 1975. We could get a right-regular Cyber-Sotheby’s going here.
yes, i encourage laughter here. then we are both young. um sure, throw your spoon into the mix and the socks too.
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on June 12, 2009 at 7:25 pm
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i’ll take the virgin mary toast. do you have any judas iscariot jelly?
judas? that traitor! he’ll probably reject the bread for 30 reese’s pieces. i wouldn’t trust him again. send money for the bread.
[rq=7273,0,blog][/rq]James Bond and James Bond
on June 12, 2009 at 10:47 pm
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haha. The bread with the virgin mary had me rolling. I’m gonna try and sell my used Toilet Tissue. How much do you think I can make?
hi ya, trench! i had a lot of interest in the bread, but so far my bank has not informed me of any wires. toilet tissue? used? you probably won’t get crap for that. lol. try to sell it before you use it. thanks for stopping by.
[rq=7606,0,blog][/rq]Pixar’s UP 3-D (Theaters)
on June 14, 2009 at 12:02 am
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[...] Why Wait Buy Now – Valerie might not be a celebrity but you can buy all kinds of her crap from Vbay
I’ve got dibs on the remaining show from the monster chase. [...]
on June 15, 2009 at 12:40 am
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just swinging by to see if there was a new post! NO PRESSURE. xoxo
yes there is a post in my head. i don’t think it’s done yet though, i didn’t hear a ding. so i’m going to let it sit a minute. i’ll be over later to play. have my tea and cookies on the table please.
meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..The Voice(s) In My Head
on June 15, 2009 at 11:11 am
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ROTFL!!! You’re frigging hilarious!!!
every time i look at this post to answer comments, i start laughing all over again. i am so silly and people think i’m mean and serious. i like my cover. hehehehe.
Big Pumpkin´s last blog ..How we spent our school holidays – Part 2
on June 15, 2009 at 3:32 pm
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Hi Valerie,
I absolutely love your humor. As I was reading this, it reminded me of the way Andy Rooney dishes out his stuff. It’s a real hoot.
Thank you for sharing your wares and making me start my week out on a happy note. I wish you well with your auction.
never saw any of andy rooney shows. i should just quit playing and get on the stage already. lol
Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..The Squeaky Wheel Gets The Grease
on June 16, 2009 at 9:52 pm
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I’ll take the water (please touch it) and the empty bottle of booze. The check is in the mail.
I don’t get people’s obsession with celebrity crap either. Just because they’re famous doesn’t mean they stop being people. Now if you have something that belonged to God or something, I’m all over it!
that’s just it, people worship celebrities as if they are a god.
Corrina´s last blog ..Hell To The Yes
on June 18, 2009 at 1:17 am
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Hi Valerie. I love your sense of humour! This was brilliantly entertaining and it’s great to see a photo of you too! You’re a “natural” born comedian.
hey davina, where should i send your check? thanks for the flattering words. just when i think i can’t get any sillier, bam! i’m selling my shoes.
Davina´s last blog ..Heads Up — Beware of Crows!
on June 20, 2009 at 7:32 pm
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$455 for THREE tablespoons of water touched by Elvis? That’s CRAZY TALK! I wouldn’t pay more than $367. Some people just don’t know when to stop bidding.
LOL. 367? i have elvis water for you and i accept paypal.
dcr´s last blog ..Hammer Time!
on June 21, 2009 at 11:54 am
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Hey, Natural, thanks for your recent comment. And this may help you with your Google Analytics quest…
Here’s what I replied to you on my blog with:
The Google Analytics code goes in your Footer…
Dashboard> Design> Theme Editor > footer.php.
Any problems, please ask me. I’m such the pro on this!
thanks Jannie
Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Funny SEO Keywords, 3
on June 22, 2009 at 11:58 am
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I agree that it’s ridiculous how much people pay for this stuff. More material things like clothes or other possessions I could kind of understand, people want to own a piece of the celebrity’s life, but things like water? That’s just silly. Keep up the funny posts!
it is crazy to me. they are ordinary people to me.
on June 25, 2009 at 5:23 am
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i agree with you. maybe one day i will be somewhat famous and someone will want my gum.
on June 25, 2009 at 12:29 pm
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OMG!!! Thank you so much for this post. I’ve often though such things, myself & I SOOOOOOOOO needed the chuckle!
BTW, I love the smiley face on the gum. Nice touch!
hey lana. it was fun, i had a laugh the entire time just thinking about the silliness of it all. take care and hang in there!
on June 26, 2009 at 2:37 pm
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Valerie,
This post was a hoot…it’s my first visit and you made it lots of fun. You’re very clever!
What’s the price for the chewing gum…no, no, wait I changed my mind…I want to buy the empty vitamin bottle…I don’t know…there are just sooooo many choices here and so little time to buy at vbay!
Great idea and funny, funny, funny post:~)
hi sara and welcome to my blog. glad you had a laugh, it’s my favorite thing to do, well one of them. so i’ll take your order for the empty vitamin bottle and i’ve accumulated more stuff since this post went live, so there’s more to buy at vbay. thank you and come again.
Sara´s last blog ..I’m a blogger and a winner!
on July 1, 2009 at 3:38 am
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This is virgin on the ridiculous (and is the toast toasted?) And just as well you are selling your things now, because I’m sure you’re gonna be around for a long time. – R
no the toast is not toasted, mary didn’t want to show up on toasted bread. she said regular wheat bread or nothing. now what am i going to say? she’s the money maker.
Robin´s last blog ..An Eventful Month
on July 1, 2009 at 8:46 am
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Haha, I almost spit out my coffee
Thanks for the laugh 
I’m interested in that toast of yours, the one with Virgin Mary. What a resemblance, you think i could get more spiritual after eating it ?:D
In all seriousness though, people are dumb enough to buy anything, provided you sell it right. Let us know how this went
i got a ton of offers, but so far, no one has paid. i check my mailbox everyday like it’s the first of the month and nothing. hang on to that coffee.
Zegarki´s last blog ..Zegarki
on July 1, 2009 at 7:52 pm
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We sit and wait
with breath a-bate
for Val the great
to fill our plate…
with another post.
Sorry, I’ve done rhymed myself out.
awh jannie, i’ll be out to play real soon. thanks for the push.
Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Like a bord on a wire, 9
on July 1, 2009 at 8:40 pm
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Alright. I am nudging you [again] because its almost been 30 days since your last post – and Meleah needs a healthy dose of some Natural Blog Postings!!
i know, shame on me. time flies meleah. i look up and think i wrote this post yesterday.
i must be 3 years old, i have no concept of time.
meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Uncharted Territories, My New Found Love For Global Positioning Systems, Trying To Beat Death On A Bridge, And Why I Need To Learn Spanish As A Second Language.
on July 2, 2009 at 8:42 am
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i think that people buy dead celebrity stuff because they have too much money and don’t know how to spend it anymore. They have houses, cars, shares, …everything….but not the umbrella of Merilyn Monroe. So they buy it! Because they can.
i think it’s so silly, but if people want to waste money, i wish they would fatten up my pockets. i have stuff that needs to be bought too and will be semi-famous one day.
Xavier Relation´s last blog ..Et le lendemain… =-.
on July 3, 2009 at 12:11 am
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This blog post is so true and so absolutely hilarious- you are waaaay too funny!!!!!
I’m tweeting this!
hi eren and welcome to my blog, glad you found me. i popped over to your place for a quick look. thanks for the tweet. i need to do that more myself.
Eren Mckay´s last blog ..Penguin Lesson Plan Facts
on July 3, 2009 at 3:05 am
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Hey . That post made my morning thank you. would you sell the empty bottle of Kaluah , its my fav alcohol drink.
anyway ive done lots of blogging while being drunk.. shame on me
greetings and welcome to my blog. sure i’ll sell you the bottle of kaluah, but the price has gone up, because of age.
Jean Amoureuse´s last blog ..Notre première fois
on July 3, 2009 at 3:38 pm
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Natural! Good things really do happen in 3′s. Loved your comment trio over on my blog just now!
Thanks so much for your contined funsterment support, it is appreciated more than you can or probably ever will know.
not a problem jannie, you make me laugh. appreciate your support as well. me and my sporadic posting schedule. i need to fix that.
Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Like a bord on a wire, 9
on August 28, 2009 at 11:44 am
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I bid $6 CND for you chewed gum!
Sold! Send me my money. Please.
Tricia´s last blog ..Monkey taunts tigers video
on October 13, 2009 at 7:54 am
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Ya, thing you like, buy instantly if you have money! otherwise you will lose the benefit of the facilities you get from the things!
on October 22, 2009 at 9:56 am
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Haha, celebs always cost us money, I would rather buy stuff on the internet for my personal use
on October 26, 2009 at 8:03 pm
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Do you have any gum that was chewed by the Virgin Mary?
But seriously, how does anyone really know that Elvis touched that water. I mean, shouldn’t it have evaporated in 30 or so years?
It really is unbelievable how much money is paid for stuff like this. I hope you get to cash in. Then you can write an ebook on how you did it. You could even inflate your profit statement to sell more copies! Good luck!
Norman Rockwell Art´s last blog ..Oct 26, Norman Rockwell Museum: Making Vacations Memorable