Yep, I’m back in the gym. Why? Because my butt-to-gutt ratio is in fierce competition for body dominance, whoever expands the biggest is the winner. I’m gaining weight fast and it’s not even egg nog season yet.

I inhale and my butt pulls at my clothing, I exhale and my gutt snatches it back. These two body parts are fighting over coverage like my clothing is a blanket on a cold winter night.

This is so not comfortable and the gym is the only thing that might keep me on track, so I’ll go.

I went to the gym during my lunch hour, I wasn’t “feeling it” but I never feel good about going until after I’m done with my workout. I turned on the t.v., stuck my earbuds to my MP3 player in my ear and plopped my magazine¹  over the display panel on the elliptical machine.

I did a five minute warm up and I thought my first day back in the gym was going to be more difficult, this was nothing. I cranked up the resistance another notch and surprisingly I moved with ease. I checked myself out in the mirror and I can’t help it, I had to look in the trunk.

Mr. Whipple said, “Please Don’t Squeeze the Charmin”, he didn’t say nothing about my butt, so I reached around for a quick grab, just to assess the merchandise.  It’s about six rolls of Charmin back there and I only need four, this machine should help. My calves look decent, but my thighs look like a human storage container for cottage cheese.  I’ll work on that later, after I settle this dispute.

From Blog Photos

While I worked out, I also kept a watchful eye on my hair because, at a certain length, it does not do humidity and sweat. My hair goes into a gangsta lean like it’s too cool to be seen with the other side of my hair-do and just separates itself down the middle.   I don’t like hair spray but I had to use it, at least until I can get a hair cut.

I’m about 10 minutes into my workout and I’m not winded at all, a little unusual for a first day workout.  I even started encouraging myself with exercise affirmations “you better work girl” and “you’re in better shape than you thought“. I was moving so fast, I wanted to draw a stick figure on the wall behind me to pretend I was being chased. Yeah, try to catch me. Muahahahahaha.

Even though it was an easy workout, something else was wrong. I know I pushed that resistance button at least 3 times and I’m still standing.  I lift my magazine off the elliptical display and it said: To begin your workout, please press start.

****!

What was I doing for the last 10 minutes!  That’s why I didn’t feel tired, I wasn’t doing a vigorous workout, I was walking.  My legs aren’t strong, I’m stupid.

I pressed the start button and began my real workout.  Okay yeah, this feels different.  Fifteen minutes in and I’m singing another tune “you better get off this machine girl“,  “you’re not in as good of shape as you thought“.

I’m starting to perspire too, a few strands of hair fell into my face and I heard the door open and shut.  There goes my hair spray.  Actually it was a partner from the office, but my hair spray did quit on me and my hair now resembles a mop.  Great.

I put in an additional 10 minutes since I messed up my workout to make it an even 30.  I stopped the machine to get off and I can’t feel my legs.  I’m not sure if my feet are on the floor or not, but I’m moving.  I look like a drunk but without the benefit of alcohol on my breath or in my blood stream.  I still have on my headphones though, so to cover up my stagger, I pretend to dance out of the workout room.  I can walk, just not straight yet.

After waiting for my legs to stop trembling, I hit the showers and do more damage to my hair from the steam.  It’s wet: the scalp, the hair, like I just washed it.  No, I can’t blow dry at work, I have to call in a team of professionals for my hair, it’s not that simple or cooperative.

So I went back to work looking like I just ran a full marathon. I said if people stare at my hair too long, I plan to casually mention that I just came from working out, that should explain the damage, at least for today, tomorrow’s another day.

1. read this, great article