How to Cope with Chronic Complainers
“A man [or woman] is only as happy as he chooses to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Is it safe to say that chronic complainers are unhappy people who are never satisfied? I think so. I’m no Ms. Positive, I complain, I think we all do at some point, but some people never stop complaining.
Maybe I’m getting old or less tolerant of people, but my truth is: I don’t want to hear it. I find myself avoiding these “energy suckers” because they are just too darn depressing and often times, they are not complaining about the issue but the symptom. I guess it would be hypocritical to sit here and complain about complainers, so how can we best deal with them without being mean or telling them to shut up.
- Resist the urge to strangle or smother them with a pillow. I admit, I thought about this on a few occasions.
- Listen to them. This is the difficult part, but important because it acknowledges their feelings and concerns. We can also listen for information, facts, what is not being said or the motive behind what was said.
- Show empathy. Dr. Bernard Guerney of Pennsylvania State University says that empathy is ‘the capacity to appreciate the other person’s feelings and point of view—whether you agree with him or not.
- Stay off the bandwagon. Someone, maybe at work, will start complaining about something and before we know it, we are right there with them feeding the fire. Complaining, especially to the wrong person, does not accomplish anything and now instead of having one unhappy person, we have two unhappy people.
In his book, The No Complaining Rule, Jon Gordon says one of the most important things we can do in business and in life is to stay positive with strategies that turn negative energy into positive solutions. The goal is not to eliminate all complaining, just mindless chronic complaining.
How do you deal with complainers in your life and at work? I like this humorous take in the video below.
Additional Reading: QBQ! The Question Behind the Question
In: Emotions, Life, Relationships, Work · Tagged with: Complainers, Energy Suckers, Miserable People, Negative People, Unhappy
on October 9, 2008 at 2:09 am
Permalink
I agree, I don’t like complainers, but I do, on occasion, utter a complaint now and then. But not constant or chronic, which I feel is different. I mean, we can only show so much empathy until we do want to use that pillow.
peace,
mike
livelife365
Mike Foster´s last blog post..The Secrets of Flossing
on October 9, 2008 at 2:38 am
Permalink
Chronic complainers? I tend to not make them part of my life. It makes life easy for me.
When my friends are complaining about something, I know that it must be something important, so I’ll usually listen. But once they start ranting repeatedly, it’s easy to just go “Hey, quit your bitchin’. We got the point.” And they do the same to me. It’s all about tough love within my group of friends.
TOPolk´s last blog post..Salaam!
on October 9, 2008 at 6:28 am
Permalink
People will naturally complain to someone who isn’t involved because it’s easier than complaining to someone who can do something about it. (But it doesn’t improve anything.)
Good practical tips.
Shamelle- TheEnhanceLife´s last blog post..13 Ideas To Make Boring Jobs Bearable And A Little More Interesting
on October 9, 2008 at 9:31 am
Permalink
The world seems rife with complainers, I hate to say. I had to deal with one at work over the last couple of weeks (while I covered for my boss’ vacation.) Everything out of her mouth was some kind of bitch or whine about something (work related or not.) I just kept shooting her complaints down until she finally shut the hell up. Of course, no one’s perfect & sometimes everyone needs to bend an ear about things, but this woman didn’t have a single, positive thing to say! Given a choice, I don’t interact with people like that (they remind me too much of my mom,) but it was a work situation, so there wasn’t much I could do.
If applicable & when possible, I refer people to my blog post from last Thanksgiving. That often puts their ridiculous complaints in perspective.
Lana´s last blog post..Sunset at the Flatwoods
on October 9, 2008 at 10:16 am
Permalink
My method of dealing with complainers is to just ignore them. They start their little rants, and I’m like “mmm hmmmm, mmmmm hmmm”, and then I immediately change the subject. Complainers usually become frustrated trying to talk to me. It’s like bouncing pennies off a wall.
I am an eternal optimist and revolutionary. My take is, if you don’t like it, change it. If you can’t change it, then just leave!
Have NO patience for cryers! lol
The Fitness Diva´s last blog post..Russian Prime Minister Putin Kicks Butt – With His Judo Video
on October 9, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Permalink
“Show empathy. Dr. Bernard Guerney of Pennsylvania State University says that empathy is ‘the capacity to appreciate the other person’s feelings and point of view—whether you agree with him or not.”
I like this definition of empathy. Sometimes there is nothing we can say, that will make a difference. But listening to the burdens of others can often be very helpful, for those suffering.
Bamboo Forest´s last blog post..7 Things That Happen in Movies – But Probably Not to You
on October 9, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Permalink
Complainers really drag you down! I have a relative (so can’t get rid of her) that is a constant complainer and I mean constant. I always try to show her the bright side of things or something to change it but she doesn’t want that, she wants you to join her. I now try to limit my time with her. I fill up fast!
I wrote a post about my “twinkie theory” for complainers. It came from one of my teenage daughters complaints! I think it is too funny, her – not so much!
BloggerNewbie´s last blog post..I Don’t Care What People Think!
on October 9, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Permalink
I don’t mind if people complain about a situation if they’re actively looking for a way to fix it or remove themselves from the situation. What annoys me are the people who just complain without ever asking themselves what to do about it, or the ones that start making excuses about why there’s nothing they can do to fix the problem.
Marelisa´s last blog post..Three Incredibly Effective Creativity Techniques
on October 9, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Permalink
I hate to say it, but women are the worst.
Kat
Poetikat´s last blog post..Kat’s Entertainment – My Top Tens
on October 9, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Permalink
Hi Natural. You know what that video reminded me of (after I stopped laughing)? Me, during PMS! I think women express it better, while men hold it in. For women it’s called PMS, for men RR (road rage).
Davina´s last blog post..Thanks, It Means The World To Me
on October 9, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Permalink
LMAO off Valerie. I’ve felt like doing what the boss in that video did too many times. But most of the time, I’m stuck between the pillow and empathising. Mind you, if I really thought I could get away with it, the pillow would probably win.
on October 9, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Permalink
I will listen, then try and respond with a positive. I will do this until I finally realize that they seem to thrive on complaining. Then I will avoid them ;O) If that’s impossible, I will tell them to do something about it, if not, then just accept the situation.
Babs – beetle´s last blog post..Mushroom Army – Mystery solved!
on October 9, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Permalink
I can be sympathetic to a point..which sometimes varies..depending on my mood asnd the number of Jack Daniels I had the night before..at this point I use my ignore button and being a stubborn old cuss it works quite well
robert bourne´s last blog post..I Never Knew
on October 9, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Permalink
hmmmm….what I try to do is listen for an appropriate length of time. In other words, as soon as the complainer starts to repeat themselves, I interject. Then I summarize what I believe the underlying problem is (yes, I took Active Listening 101) and THEN I ask them what they are going to do about the situation (shock! horror!). People who have legitimate complaints, and care enough to make the world a better place, actually start to brainstorm solutions at this point. People who complain just to hear themselves talk try to go back to complaining. This is when I politely show them the door.
on October 9, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Permalink
I don’t like perpectual whiners. However, recently, I decided to be patient and help a friend, whom I secretly thought that was an energy drainer. To my amazement, she got better and better. And when that happened, the aura around her became less dense.
Evelyn Lim´s last blog post..Heroes Of Healing: Neale Donald Walsch
on October 9, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Permalink
I let them go. Seriously. It’s very depressing. I don’t need that negative energy around me. Maybe I’m not a good friend, but I don’t think these people are capable of being friends anyway.
Vered – MomGrind´s last blog post..Beauty Standards Have Sure Changed
on October 10, 2008 at 12:32 am
Permalink
Oh man….why you gotta talk about me like that?
xxoo
meleah rebeccah´s last blog post..Happy Birthday … To Me
on October 10, 2008 at 5:37 am
Permalink
Listen becasue maybe they need that – don’t buy in unless there is a need. We all do it from time to time- me usually out of frustration.
sandy k´s last blog post..Came to Washington- Heard there were more nuts here !!!
on October 10, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Permalink
My husband is a chronic – - let me re-type this CHRONIC
complainer.
I would use the pillow, but that would leave my kids fatherless and
a little guilt on my part
I have gotten to the point where I have withdrawn from the negative
and guess what that left me with?
NOTHING!!
hahahahaha
on October 10, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Permalink
I used to have a friend who was a MAJOR Debbie Downer. After trying to be supportive, then offering advice until my lips fell off- all to no avail- I had to dump her. She was sucking the LIFE out of me. Every moment talking to her or being with her was like being drenched in her problems. Couldn’t take it anymore. I haven’t talked to her in ages and I am so happy.
Sometimes ya just gotta move on.
Corrina´s last blog post..If Hangovers Could Kill
on October 11, 2008 at 2:50 am
Permalink
To be honest – when I know people who are always complaining, I tend to stop having anything to do with them. They are particularly annoying if they don’t ever try to find ways of solving their problems – they just like complaining. (Like Corrina above me, I’ve stopped seeing a girlfriend like that)
Robin´s last blog post..Why We Want To Live
on October 11, 2008 at 6:38 am
Permalink
The pat answer to “How are you?” “I can’t complain” takes on new meaning after this post!
Does anyone say that anymore?
I thought the definition of empathy was pretty interesting. It reminded me of someone somewhere who told me “Empathy is listening, sympathy is getting into the emotions and feeling the same way. When trying to be a good listener it’s not helpful to get mired in sympathy.”
That was probably my therapist who said that.
cardiogirl´s last blog post..The book of questions, Volume 13
on October 12, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Permalink
We have a constant complainer at work that I try to avoid at all costs. The worst thing you can say to this person is “How are you?” because then it’s impossible to get away without a long-winded reply about something that’s going wrong. I don’t complete ignore her; instead I just greet her with “Hi!”
I’m a very positive person myself – some people even complain that I don’t take things seriously!
Cheers!
Robin´s last blog post..What If?
on October 12, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Permalink
Mike, we all complain, but there are a few that don’t shut up. I have wanted to strangle, seriously.
ToPolk, I can’t deal with chronic complainers. I have tried my best to ignore them or just “look down”.
Shamelle, that’s true. I rather direct them to someone who can help them. My tolerance level is on E.
Lana, do complainers ever listen to themselves? Not one good thing ever to say. Horrible.
The Fitness Diva, some complainers are good, you change the subject, they change the complaint. I’m like you, no patience for chronic complainers.
Bamboo Forest, I like the definition too…to a point. Then it becomes a nuisance when someone constantly complains.
Blogger Newbie, I read about your twinkie theory, I will have to go back and refresh my memory. Complainers do drag you down big time.
Marelisa, most chronic complainers, I have found, are not looking for a solution, they just like to hear themselves complain and yeah, whatever happened to personal responsibility?
Poetikat, I hate to say, you might be right. From my experience anyway.
Davina, not you Davina. : ) Yeah men do hold in their complaints and express it in another non verbal way.
Cath, I think I avoid complainers to keep from choking them. Complain for a little while, but then stop.
Hi Babs, yes, some people do thrive on complaining. No matter how you try to change the subject, find what’s good, they just don’t ever see it.
Robert, hey that might not be a bad idea, for every complaint, take a drink. I’m sure that could be a slogan for some alcohol company.
Urban Panther, they don’t want to do anything about it, but complain. Showing them the door? I like it.
Evelyn, wow, you turned one around, that’s great. That only works if the person really wants a solution, glad it worked out for you.
Vered, I don’t blame you at all. Everyone gets to log in a few complaints, but don’t put in 40 hours of complaining OT.
Meleah, cause, um. I care? Now stop it. LOL You’re not a chronic complainer are you? I have king sized pillows and I’m not afraid to use them.
SandyK, I can agree, yes listen, people need help and need to be listened to…but to a point. Can’t do this everyday.
TC, oh no, sorry to hear. A male chronic complainer, wow. Okay well keep him alive for your kids sake.
Corrina, it is very tiring and draining. When they start talking it’s like: here were go again. Maybe I’ll start taping these complainers and playing their complaints back to them.
Robin, exactly: they complain but don’t find a way to solving their problems. Then kindly be quiet.
Cardio Girl, Funny, I do say that…well actually I say: I can complain, but I won’t and then I flash a smile. We all can complain.
Robin, there seems to be a lot of complainers at work. Geez. A week of no complaining would be great. I think the No Complaining Rule should be posted in the lunch room. CC would probably complain about that.
on October 13, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Permalink
No. Im not really that bad. I was just kidding.
meleah rebeccah´s last blog post..I Be Sick Again
on October 14, 2008 at 12:25 am
Permalink
Hi Natural – Chronic complainers are the kind of people I try to stay clear of. Although I have tried to have empathy for their situation(s) and even tried to have the look at the bright side, there’s no winning with them.
Since I’m basically a positive, upbeat person, I find the best bet for me is to avoid chronic complainers at all costs.
Barbara Swafford´s last blog post..A.S.K. Darren Rowse of Proglogger – How Do We Increase Our Readership
on October 17, 2008 at 3:36 am
Permalink
Hi, first time commenting. Very good post on how deal with chronic complainers. Like you, I can’t stand people who keep complaining non stop. Normally, I will listen and then show my empathy but if they do it too much and too long, I will tell them off!
foongpc´s last blog post..Absorbing Hado At Taman Lembah Kiara
on November 13, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Permalink
hi Valerie,
I’m a little late getting this comment in but I was your post title and it made me think of an old saying.
First let me say though that I like your opening quote by Abraham Lincoln (so true) and I agree that chronic complainers are definately “energy suckers.”
The saying I thought of when I read your title was this:
“The beatings will continue until morale improves!”
~ Steve (aka the trade show guru)
Steve | Trade Show Guru´s last blog post..Joy of Fatherhood
on November 16, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Permalink
I know Mel…
Barbara, I stay away too. They are energy suckers and lets face it, I can suck my own energy.
Hey Foongpc, thanks. A lot I think has to do with their unhappiness, but not enough to change anything. Maybe they just like to hear themselves complain…the poor me syndrome.
Steve, it’s okay, I’m late responding.
. That is a great quote…too bad they don’t get it. They never see the morale side of the picture. Just gave a lecture on it a few days ago what we say. Yeah have your pity moment, but then get over it.
on December 26, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Permalink
I too have been known to complain. I think that when people talk to one another, they want to feel that they are being listened to and that people are sympathetic to their needs. If things are going good, it’s hard to relate or to build a conversation. Too many people find comfort in knowing someone else is uncomfortable and they can relate.
I recently noticed that my Assistant at work complains a lot. She is the type of complainer that will not only complain about her problems, but those of all of her family as well. She can begin on one topic and go on and on. I get to feeling so uncomfortable and agitated listening to her. I noticed that when she had car problems last week, she decided to tell at least 4 co-workers in separate conversations. I know, because I happen to be around each time.
Listening to her complain so much, made me see how annoyed people might be and I will certainly try to not complain as much.
it does get to be a bit much, especially when all a person does IS complain. never nothing upbeat to say. everybody gets a few complaints and then it’s time to fix the problem. i complain, but not a lot
Jennifer (Danifer)´s last blog post..Would You Want To Smell Like A Burger?
on January 16, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Permalink
I’m very late replying, but this is a timely topic to my life. I have a dear friend who’s a chronic complainer, and it can be very trying to my capacity for empathy.
This is one of the most annoying human habits. Sometimes, I think we are complaining animals, as so many social interactions seem based on bonding by sharing our peeves. I think this is different from expression emotions like frustration, or taking action to protest something objectionable.
The sad part is, it often becomes a self-fufilling prophecy for the complainers: they whine without acting and whatever the circumstance, it worsens because it’s reinforced by the attention they give it.
everybody gets a few minutes of whining and woe is me, but after a while you get sick of hearing it. maybe in some form its therapeutic to the complainer but certainly not the listener, especially if they are chronic complainers and do nothing but