Just so you know what to look for:  Laugh:   Boo:   Applause:   Crickets:

I was going to publish a live reading of this post in stand-up comedy format, but after several attempts and still not liking the sound of my voice, I nixed the idea and traded my microphone in for a keyboard.

I hope it reads like stand-up comedy, I even added a few interactive buttons for you to play with as you read along. So, please, sit back and pretend I’m on stage. I hope you enjoy the show.

Please welcome to the stage, Valerie Morrison. Applause:

How many of you remember the rotary phone? When the phone was just a phone. I think one of the reasons I don’t like the phone is because it’s complicated.

If the phone was a test, I would get an operator, a zero. I liked the phone back when all it did was make and receive phone calls, but now it has evolved into a call center. It can do things.

I think the phone has too many features, take for example, call waiting. When I was growing up there was no such thing as call waiting.  Back in the day, call waiting meant using a rotary phone and waiting for the dial to come back around so that I could dial the next number.  There was no clicking over, and for what? To tell the other person that I was on the phone and would call them back.

Personally, I liked when there was security posted at the door better known as, a busy signal.  If someone called me and they got a busy signal, they had to wait. Of course, there was that one person who could not and dialed the operator with an emergency and interrupted my call.  There was no real emergency, but an impatient person who never grasped the true meaning of call waiting.

The other feature I consider a useless overkill is three-way calling. Does anyone even use three-way calling anymore? It seems so high school. In my childhood home, three-way calling meant there was one line and two phones. One in the kitchen and one in the living room.

When a call came in two people picked up the phone at the same time and talked to whoever was on the other end; or until someone yelled, “I got it, hang up.”

And there were no games with phones without features. No screening calls and no avoiding people like there is today. The only Caller ID we had was, hello, who is this?

Now phones come with 100 features and voice mail. The phone has options. Press 1 for new messages, press 2 for voice mail, press 3 to set up your mailbox.

If you don’t know, I suck at following directions, that’s why I never took aerobics class at the gym. My brain shuts down. I can’t process certain information quickly and I start to panic. It’s the same panic I feel when I’m inside an elevator and I see someone running toward the closing doors.

Even though the buttons are clearly marked, open and close, I never press the right one. I panic under pressure and usually end up yelling ‘sorry’ as the doors close shut.  Once, I pressed every button, but open, and had to stop on floors, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. When pressed for a decision made under a time constraint, I can’t cope and usually mess up.

Now a question for the audience. What is it about cordless phones that make people want to pace the floor? It’s like an exercise program with no jump rope. The cordless phone should come in a box with ankle weights.

Someone could be resting on the couch, but the minute that phone rings, and it’s for them, they start pacing the floor with the phone. I’ve watched people on the phone go from room to room – just walking – and I’m only getting bits and pieces of their conversation. It sounds like this: and she said…….never came home…the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Nothing makes sense! Not that I’m listening.

I’m just saying, I liked the phone better when it was attached to a cord. I could walk two feet, aaaand that’s it! Anything past two feet and the phone was snatched back and smashed up against the wall.

The cordless phone is never where it’s supposed to be anyway. It used to be when the phone rang, you reported to the wall to answer it. Now when the phone rings, if it’s not on that handset, well try and find it. The cordless phone was made to get lost. It says so right there on the base, find handset.

So not only is the phone lost, but after you press the find handset button, you have to locate the beep. It’s the same disorientation I get when I play pin the tail on the donkey. I don’t like it because it sucks.

I know this is a little long, so I’m going to wrap it up, but before I go I have to share a phone story.

A few weeks ago my computer at work was switched out and I was given another one, I guess you could call it an upgrade. Everything was basically the same, except one of the programs I use was not properly configured, the Message Manager.

The Message Manager handles voice mail message, it’s very simple. I launch the program, I click on the message, it rings my phone and it plays my message. I like it because it does not talk to me nor does it ask me any questions.

So my message light is red, indicating that I have a message. I launched the program, but it’s missing an IP address and can’t access the server. Basically that means for two days I did not check my voice mail. There is a way of retrieving voice mail messages using the phone, I’ve heard people do this, I’m just not smart enough to do it.

Eventually, I got tired of looking at my message light and I dialed a co-worker who is used to my nonsense and whispered:

“I don’t know how to retrieve my voice mail messages, from the phone.”

“Val, what are you talking about? You press the little envelope that says messages.”

“There’s an envelope? Oh, right there. There’s 300 buttons on this phone, but I see it now.” So I pressed the envelope and this woman started talking. She greeted me with a welcome message and told me to enter my extension and the pound sign. I entered my extension, 2177 and #.

Next she told me to enter my password. My password is my extension backward. This seems simple enough, but to an instructionally-challenged dyslexic, it’s numerical musical chairs and I needed a minute to think about what she was asking me to do.

After several attempts, maybe I was nervous or stupid, I could not type 7712 and the woman on the phone kept telling me that I had the wrong passcode and to please try again. After three tries I decided I didn’t like her tone and hung up on her.

I know I’m not phone literate, but darn it if I don’t know how to work a computer, so I sent an email to the HELP department. Unlike most people, I can’t send a normal email asking for help, I have to write a little ditty explaining my situation. My last email message to Help read this way:

Dear Help,
Thank you for the new computer, I hope my old one is not being used as evidence against me. I would like to retrieve my voice mail messages using the program on the computer, and not the phone, mainly because the woman on the phone talks too much, I can’t follow directions, but I’m down with clicking. Thank you.

That’s my time for the evening. Good night.

Laugh:   Boo:   Applause:   Crickets:

Photo @ illuminati-news.com

The other day I was talking with a friend who commented on how the use of the Internet has made people so impersonal that it’s taking the place of human interaction.

She said that “people are missing out on real pivotal moments in life because they are too plugged in, always stuck in front of the computer.”

After I got off the phone, I called at least 3 people to say hi, not that I don’t call them anyway, but I’m technology dependent, and sending an email hello is “normal”, preferred really.

Instead of picking up the phone to emotionally connect with someone and listening to their voice, phone calls have been replaced by text messaging, emails or tweets.  Technology has made it so that we don’t have to deal with humans if we don’t want to.

A few weeks ago, we had dinner with an elderly family friend, she has to be at least 89 years old, visiting from Virginia.

She passed out her calling card printed with her name, address and phone number on it.  After examining the card for a few seconds and looking on the back side, I said: “Where’s your email address, how am I supposed to contact you?”  She said, “Use the phone number.” ¹  Sometimes a phone call is better because we get to hear emotions and true feelings that we would not get in an email or text message.

I love the Internet, its usefulness, its convenience but life is not the sum of conveniences. In fact, it would probably be less convenient, but it might also be more meaningful, especially when we examine the social and psychological dislocations that it’s caused. ²

How do you stay “human” when technology makes it so easy for us to be emotionally detached.  Does time spent online outweigh the time spent interacting with family and friends?  Has technology affected our thinking and way of life that it is fast becoming, not our servant, but our master?

Additional Reading:
Against the Machine: Being Human in the Age of the Electronic Mob

1.   I hate the phone
2. social isolation

A little over a week ago I started feeling a nagging pain in my right index finger, especially around the joint area.  The pain went away and then a few days later it returned.  I thought it was kind of weird for only one of my fingers to be hurting, but okay.

Then I thought, maybe the pain had something to do with the graph below.  I’m not an EntreCard drop master, yet, but do you think the repetitive clicking and scrolling has anything to do with it? ¹

Of course, I can’t tell anyone why my finger really hurts.  The real reason would seem so silly or too embarrassing that it’s just not worthy of the truth.  Surely, I can come up with something a lot more colorful that will leave a crowd of listeners on the edge of their seats.

Here’s my “that’s my story and I’m sticking to it” reason for the soreness: I hit my finger on a tree branch while parachuting out of a plane. Much better.  I’m a brave daredevil not a repetitive mouse clicker.  A sore finger from dropping?  I don’t think so.

Meanwhile, my finger continues to receive lots of TLC, massages and stretching. If that doesn’t work then I still have one more digit that is capable of clicking until I have to use my left hand.

What’s your most unbelievable injury story?  I know it’s funny, so spill it. Did you fess up or did you paint a colorful picture?

1. Can you say class action?

For those who don’t know:  “Entrecard enables you to advertise your own Entrecard on any blog in the network. You pay for this advertising with Entrecard Credits, that you earn for free by networking (a.k.a. visiting blogs and dropping (via clicking) your card for other bloggers).”

I find bloggers either love EntreCard or they hate it. When I first signed up, I didn’t understand it, but most bloggers use EntreCard to: increase traffic to their blog(s), find other blogs or increase their Alexa ranking.

A while back, I commented on this blog¹ that it was just a matter of time before we needed Blogtherapists to sort out issues some of us face as bloggers. I played out a conversation in my head as a possibility of what might be discussed regarding EntreCard and blogging. Listen in….

Blogtherapist: So you have EntreCard on the brain, but you’re not obsessed?  Can you give me an example?

Blogger: Well, my inbox at work has the word “Drop” taped to the front of it.  As people drop things in, I respond by saying: Thanks, Go! Go!, Alright, Yeah, Wicked, Awesome.  I don’t think it’s obsessive, but people look at me funny.

Blogtherapist: I see and what do those sayings have to do with EntreCard.

Blogger: They’re messages that are equivalent to Thanks! and are shown at various numbers of drops per day.  The more I drop, the more I move up in “Thanks.”  It’s cool and I could use the encouragement because sometimes I can’t even find the widget I’m supposed to be clicking. I scroll up and down a blog, scanning every freaking banner, button and badge hoping one of them will peek-a-boo me the word “Drop”.  It feels like an online version of Where’s Waldo. Very frustrating.

Blogtherapist: Okay now tell me about this new toolbar you mentioned.

Blogger: Oh the Entrebar!  I like it because I can open multiple browser tabs for faster dropping.

Blogtherapist: That’s a good thing, no?

Blogger: Yes, but what bugs me is when bloggers add music to their blog and now I have these 10 tabs opened, I don’t know which one it is, I have to try to find the offender, turn off my own sound or click all of the tabs closed that I just opened.

Blogtherapist: I see and how does this make you feel?

Blogger: I feel annoyed and insulted because I have a radio. Maybe EntreCard can come up with a category for fast loading blogs, with widgets above the fold and no music in their network.

Blogtherapist: Well let me ask you this, do you want to end your relationship with EntreCard?

Blogger: [insert your answer here]

Back to the post. I happen to like EntreCard, not because of the dropping and traffic, but because I’m able to find some great blogs that I probably would not have otherwise found on my own.

I’ve read several complaints about EntreCard’s “hit and run” traffic, that people are only visiting blogs for the drop, and they don’t stick around.  This is where I get confused.  Once EntreCard brings you the traffic, isn’t it the bloggers job to get the reader to stay?

There are a gazillion blogs out there all screaming for attention and if you’re catering to drive by traffic, there is very little time for foreplay in posting.  You kind of have to get in there, state your business and pull out.  Perhaps a quicker and more effective technique may be needed to make them come again.

I don’t know how much of my traffic comes from EntreCard, but I can’t depend on it to do everything. I’m thinking I have to go out there and get some of the traffic myself.  Personally, I think the best way to build traffic and readership is by commenting on other blogs.  What about you?

Do you have a love/hate relationship with EntreCard?

Have you seen an increase of traffic since using them?

How do you build traffic to your blog?

Comic by By arthur.wneir
Caption by Me.

1. I think

I admit, when I was younger I eagerly accepted my compliments with bells, whistles and bows,¹ but as I grew older, I ate my share of humble pie and then I did the reverse.  After watching me play commendation dodge ball, one day my sister-in-law’s sister pulled me aside and said, “Just say thank you.”

If someone thinks we did an outstanding job, let’s bask in the glory. We need to ditch the attitude: “I’m not perfect enough” and give credit to ourselves and to the people who acknowledge us and our efforts. We all deserve compliments. And we deserve to take them. ~ PioneerThinking.com

So to Urban Panther, THANK YOU, for my first ever blogging award. I’ll hang it on my wall like it’s my first dollar.  You can read her kind words here. Thank you to those who have sent me emails behind the scene as well.

This award has to be passed on to 5 bloggers.  I planned to highlight Urban Panther’s blog in my Meet the Bloggers post, but she beat me to the punch.  If you haven’t read her blog, pounce on over for a hello, you won’t be disappointed.

This next blogger is one of the hardest working bloggers I know. In my mind, her initials are not just letters, but exclamation marks. Her blog is immortal because she can do things for people even when she’s 80, and beyond. For example: “I Got Hip Replacement Surgery…so you don’t have to.” Well we don’t wish that on JD, so hobble on over to her blog for a laugh. Be sure to read my favorite post at I Do Things.

This next blogger has an unusual, but comical, love affair with her Apple MAC, they recently starred in her home movie “So Happy Together.”  MHR is great writer who writes with emotion, humor, honesty and she’s the only blogger I know who can write a post called “Testing Comments” and her supportive readers show up in droves. Her blog is a fun to visit, she makes me think, smile and she can even get a salty discharge to flow from my eyes. This award goes to Momma Mia, Mea Culpa who probably has hundreds of them on her mantel already.

I also like this new blog I found, Debateur Debates.  Her blog is about “serious topics for serious readers”, topics for the brain. Worth a visit.

I didn’t highlight 5 bloggers because I ran out of typing paper. If you have a blog you want to share, maybe a new one, please leave a link in the comment section, I’ll get it out of spam, eventually. I promise.

EDIT: I overlooked my very first award for “story telling” from Sandy, so I’m adding it to this post.  Thanks Sandy, you’re the best.  Charge the oversight to my head and not my heart. Much appreciated. ? ? ?

1. just cocky

I’m in the process of trying to integrate my personal website or at least give it the same look as my blog: my cut and paste version. My photographs have been moved to Flickr and can be viewed there or through this blog, the link is up top.

Anywho, a few days ago I got an email from Yahoo saying that their domain renewal will increase from $12.95 to $34.95. I have 8 domains registered with Yahoo and four with another registrar. I’m giving up the ones I don’t need.

As for the rest, I’m moving to another company, which registers them privately (something Yahoo charges extra for) for under $10. I don’t know why a domain name would cost $34.95, but if that is the going rate, someone please enlighten me. How much do you pay?

PS – Oh, I forgot to mention, that in the future if my blog is down, it’s because I’m changing registrars. I’ll be back. I’m testing a transfer now on a domain I want to keep to see how things work out.

I took all the plugs out and put them back, making sure each one was secure, rebooted each time, I reinstalled my router and after several attempts, it was working.  Confident it was fixed, by my own hands (there’s the problem) I canceled my appointment. Dumb! When I got home last night, my connection was gone and the red X was back, temporarily.  I may have to schedule another appointment, but for now, I’m riding this connection because I need it real bad.

While my connection was out I was able to get something done I have been putting off. Yes, I’m brain damaged because of technology.  It took me forever to remember the 800 number for free 411 service (800-FREE-411)?? Then I remembered how to work a phone book.  I also realized that I do not need to check my email everyday, nobody cares. I deleted more stuff than I read.

I also came up with a “We Care Emergency Package” for ISPs and the clients who rely on them for service. Here are some of the perks that come with the package:

1. We will be invited to sit on the board to discuss why internet users should be serviced before cable viewers.  TV watchers can pop in a DVD and still live.  If the internet goes out, we wither away.
2. A promise to keep excellent customer notes on our usage.  If the internet goes out, bloggers and internet  junkies are to be immediately picked up, carried out on a gurney and transported (in this thing) to the nearest Wi-Fi center.  Coffee and donuts will be provided.
3. 2 sessions of professional counseling for any trauma experienced from the outage.
4. An email address and cell number of a customer care person.
5. Free cable and internet service for 6 months.

I think this package is marketable.  Now that I have my connection back, for now, I’m going to step away from my blog and see what you guys are up to.  I have way too many links in this post, sorry.

Talk about feeling cut off from the world. Did I mention that I have Vonage, so the home phone doesn’t work either, it relies on…shall we say it together: an internet connection. So, I’m at my sister’s house, but it’s hard for me to blog in “unfamiliar” surroundings, it’s like using a friend’s bathroom. You do just enough to relieve yourself but you never really do get comfortable.

Comcast said they would be able to send someone out on Tuesday, July 1 to fix my connection between 7 and 9 a.m.

“Don’t you have anything earlier than that, I’m up at 5:30.”

“No ma’am.”

“Is there anything else we can help you with?”

“Heeeck no, you didn’t fix the first problem, what makes you think you’re qualified to help me with anything else?” No, I didn’t say that, but I sure thought it.

A computer without internet access is a typewriter and I stopped using those a long time ago. If I can’t use it in its intended purpose, then I shouldn’t have to look at it either.

Yep, that’s my “typewriter”.

They better not charge me for that modem I took apart either, I was trying to save them a trip out to my place by fixing it. I need to go find some Verizon FIOS advertisements and leave them “laying around” the house, just in case.

The Bad
It comes with Windows Vista. I haven’t heard too many good things about this operating system. Most of the reviews I’ve read from users are negative, they hate it. I just hope I don’t experience any compatibility issues with my older programs, other than that, come what may. Any happy Vista users out there?

The Ugly
I’m in a bad mood this week, my sinuses have me by the nose and my neighbors won’t let me sleep. I’m not quite sure if the people renovating the house are the new neighbors or just the workers, but someone had the radio blaring all night and I couldn’t sleep.

Now, I used to sleep with the radio on so I understand rock-a-bye baby music, but this was piss the block off music and it worked. Certain noises arouse me and amazingly I can sleep through thunder, war and shootings, but drop your weapon and I’ll wake up. If you snore, my chance of smothering you with a pillow is 100%. I’m trained in CPR/AED, so I would revive you…just in the morning, after I wake up. I need quiet to sleep, so in case of disturbances, I keep several types of ear plugs in my night stand drawer.

However, two summers ago, the previous neighbors played music all the time until 2 a.m. and one night I was lying in bed plotting how to kill them. I wasn’t going to go through with it, I was just thinking about it. Really my target was to smash the radio. Instead I called the cops and a few minutes later my doorbell rings and two policemen are on my step. I thought they were supposed to protect and serve, not tattle and tell.

“Are you the one who called about the noise.” I gave them my name and address on the phone, they know I’m the one, why are you HERE. (I’m thinking you have got to be kidding me, you #@#! @$$@$, you’re going to get me killed).

“Yes it was me, don’t you hear the music. It’s the house NEXT DOOR!” Get off my step before someone sees you.

“Okay ma’am, we’ll take care of it” and then they left. What? No police protection tonight.

Fast forward, I’m a little nervous about who may be moving in next door. I’ve been enjoying the quieter summers and would hate to bother the police again. I love music, but at that hour they have to be breaking some town ordinance. Yet, I’m the one who gets a warning ticket for “recycling wrong.” Only on Hysteria Lane!

I thought about putting my speakers in the window and waking them up at 5:30 in the morning, but their music was still on. Yep, and I was late for work the next day, I overslept. Maybe I should report them to Rotten Neighbor. Hey, do you have a rotten neighbor story, something that will make my neighbors look like a convent?

By the Way

Just for once, I would actually like to get the advertised picture of food that’s on the outside of the box, inside the box. I bought a Weight Watchers snack a few weeks ago and on the outside of the box, the cake (with icing) said “buy me”, so I did. I opened it and something the length of a miniature sized 3 Musketeer falls out of the box. It was so small I was almost too ashamed to eat it. I guess I shouldn’t expect too much enjoyment and size from something that equals 1 point? I get excited when I see chocolate and snacks like that should come with a warning label: Magnified to show detail. The snack inside you could enjoy, if you don’t swallow it, will be 50% smaller. Don’t get excited!

Same thing with Burger King. The Whopper looks great on TV, all dressed up making ME crave meat, but when I got there it was a different story. My whopper looked like a Super Smash Brother with tire marks.

“Hi welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?”

“Yes, I’d like the Whopper I saw on TV last night.”

“I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

Oh wait, if it doesn’t bother you, maybe you’ll enjoy this post:

101 Top WordPress Plugins That You May Not Have Known About

Don’t forget to back up your blog before installing any plugin. Oooh, I don’t even want to think about it…unless you want to talk about it.