Answer: A River Runs Through It
Q. What is Natural’s urinary tract system? Surprisingly that has never been an actual question on Jeopardy. I guess even Jeopardy has criteria.
Anywho, if you are a regular reader of my craziness blog, then you know that forever for the past several weeks months I’ve sporadically written about trying to lose weight. Just a few pounds, 20 to be exact.
Before I continue, I’m not obsessive about my appearance, “I’m [just] trying to keep the drywall intact and the rooms neat and tidy.” Side story: A coworker noticed1 that I was wearing my pedometers2 and she said, “What is that?”
I told her.
She said, “Don’t you think you’re getting a little too carried away with this sh*t. Everything is about how you look.” Now this is coming from a woman who won’t take out the trash unless she is wearing make-up, but I’m vain because there’s a tire growing out of my waist that I need to deflate. I said, “That’s not true, I don’t wear make-up.” She concurred when I put it that way.
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I’m not on a diet, but I do exercise 5-7 times a week, I made a few minor food changes and I’m drinking more water. Herein lies the problem. My stomach is comparable to a cow’s stomach, it has four compartments that need filling. So what are we told to do? Drink. More. Water.
Well that’s the least I could do. Easy enough. Heck, if I go to work everyday, the water is free. I think I can handle 8 to 10 cups of free water.
I really don’t care about the health benefits of drinking water either, I’m trying to drown food and stave off cravings! Come what may.
So I thought.
One day last week, after cup number 5, my bladder turned on me. In a 15 minute time frame I went to the ladies room three times; water was passing through my urinary tract system like a defective and hollow Baby Alive.
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The urge to go was ever persistent and I had to share the going ons with someone. Every time I walked past my co-worker’s office, I would shout my number of trips to the bathroom. Four! Five! Sometimes I just held up a number using my fingers.
For some reason my body suddenly increased production in the Water Department, informed my kidneys to “speed it up,”3 pissed off my bladder and caused a tsunami!
Some time that afternoon, production finally came to a halt, the Union was called in and everybody calmed down. On one of my trips to the bathroom, I seriously thought it would be easier to just pour 8 cups of water into the toilet, bypass the middle man and call it a truce. I can’t go through this again. I haven’t had 8 cups of water since, but I have come pretty darn close, fortunately, without repercussion.
*******
This post is true, but only meant to be funny. I have since stopped using the bathroom like a Betsy Wetsy doll, honestly. Please don’t tell me I’m dying. I’d like to believe that I will live to the ripe old age of 204 and a half and if that dubious hallucination is all in my mind, then let’s leave it there.
Jeopardy Logo by Someone on Flickr TBA
Cow picture by Clover
Angry Watermelon by Sebastian Niedlich
Too funny that you used that Lucy clip
I have an impossible time drinking 8 glasses of water a day too – I end up spending the entire day in the restroom – although I don’t think I could beat your record of 3 times in 15 minutes – wow!
that lucy clip rocks. i’ma go watch it when i’m done here. oh the 3 times was just the beginning. i couldn’t believe it. people think i like to roam the halls and chat it up, but i was really on a mission that day. i can’t do 8, maybe 5. at home i just keep a glass full and sip it as the day progresses.
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OMG that was so funny, sorry for laughing at your misfortune but, ahahahaha. not what I was expecting from your post title. lol
mr. bailey, if you didn’t laugh at me, i would feel worse. that’s what so fun, the post title is misleading at first and then boo, i jump out the bushes with the unexpected and a cookie! just letting my hair down.
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AHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, this is just packed with good stuff. Does that watermelon have TEETHS? Thanks for the nightmares. Oh, and I’m pretty sure I have 5 compartments: pizza, donuts, cupcakes, Vicodin, and McDonald’s. Hilarious. I can see you whizzing (!) thru your office, holding up 5, 6, 7 fingers.
Now tell me: did all that water fill up the cookie section in your stomach? I’m guessing no.
so it was worth my alter ego keeping me up, drawing, coloring and hysterically laughing at that lucy clip like a drunk skunk for the 450th time. cool. glad you enjoyed. i had to edit out some stuff she wrote this morning. yeah i was holding up fingers and hauling it to the bathroom. eventually i was just a blur.
the cookie section is the real black hole. it’s never satisfied or full. turns out the darn thing is reversible!
JD at I Do Things´s last blog post..I Am Deformed so you don’t have to be
OMG, woman! This is hilarious. I have that cookie compartment too, but mine’s bigger. I love, love, love that toothy watermelon demon thingy.
I remember one time I went to the doctor for an ultrasound. They told me to drink “lots of water” but did not specify how much. Big mistake. I drank a gallon. When I got there, of course I had to wait a long time in the waiting room. I finally had to scream “Where’s the bathroom?! I’m gonna blow!” They said “Leave enough for the test,” so I had to pee only half as much as I wanted to. Oh, the joy. The technician later told me I only had to drink up to a half gallon. Well, ya think you could tell a person beforehand??? Cripes.
you know i invited you over for cookies last week, i told you i have enough for the both of us to get cookie drunk! that watermelon thingy is funny, kinda scary, but i couldn’t resist using it.
lol. is that story on your blog. point me in the right direction if it is. now i tried this at home, the midway pee, and i’m certain i heard my bladder clear its throat and poke me in the kidney, so i gave it up. you have skills, i can’t do that.
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If you could just shrink down the cookie section, you’d probably be okay.
Coffee, tea, juice count as liquid, so if you’re trying to add eight glasses of water to that (unnecessary), yeah, you’re gonna blow. Eight glasses is a guideline, not a rule. Not everybody needs or can process that much.
uh, shrink down the cookie section? you don’t understand. i have an un-natural love affair with (homemade) cookies. i rather shrink fruits/veggies and foreign objects.
seriously when i do drink a lot of water it helps a little, very little. no matter how full i am, i ALWAYS want and have room for cookies, i can fit them in somewhere. just talking about cookies now is making me tremble. my breathing. is. um. heavy and i can’t remember my name.
i drink tea as well while at work and coffee at home. it was just an unusual day for me and water.
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LOL… Dead on with the Lucy clip.
I find it amusing when people think you’re taking your fitness/health/diet too far; just because they don’t agree with the concern.
I LOVE that Lucy clip. I crack up every time I watch it, doubled over crack up! It is amusing and initially i was going to write a post about it, but i said forget it. Not everyone is going to be happy about what we do. I don’t care. I’m happy I have not given up, so whatever it takes.
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It’s great that you’re leading a healthier lifestyle. I’m sure you feel better too. Frequent visits to the bathroom are an unfortunate side effects to drinking more water.
yep. i can’t say i enjoy drinking so much water, but i thought i would test its benefits
I am wondering how you found an image of an angry watermelon – or did it find you? And I am glad to see you have got the cookies department and fruit and veggies department of your tummy nicely balanced – while food and foreign objects both have their own separate sections. And I thought this post was going to be about a nice, restful river. Ha!
i found the image through a search. scary right? my stomach looks just like that photo, it’s true. large area for cookie consumption. a nice restful river? robin, robin, it’s me natural. okay i know i’m a little to the left, but if i ever blog about a restful river, drown me in it, please.
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I enjoyed Catana’s suggestion of shrinking down the cookie section. I have a sweets section that is large and massive similar to your cookie section. It’s a nice notion of shrinking that bad boy, but there is no taming the canyon of sweetness, as you know.
I also liked how the co-worker who wears full makeup to take out the trash thinks you’re going overboard. And snaps to you for calling her out. No way would I have said that. But I would have thought it and created a virtual voodoo doll of her in my head.
But I must know why two pedometers? Just a fail safe or a check and balance against each other. OH! Does it accurately measure running on the treadmill?
Unfortunately I only drink water when I’m working out. I do go through about 48 ounces but I should drink more each day. And every time I am mauing down Nilla Wafers or Cheez-Its or whatever snack item available I think, ‘This is probably where I should drink some water. (pauses) Oh the hell with water, I burned 725 calories on the elliptical today. That means I can eat crazily and break even.’
Even though I do want to lose the weight. Grr what a vicious cycle.
Lastly, I loved the image of you casually throwing your fingers in the air as you passed your co-worker on the way to the can! Way to own it!
uh, i don’t think i can shrink the cookie section. it’s really a beast. i try to suppress as much as the urge as i can, but eventually, i have to give in, i just don’t go overboard anymore because i’ve worked too hard to go back to fat.
yes she told me that herself. she cannot leave her house w/o make up and i believe she doesn’t even have to go outside to take out the trash, but uses a chute. it’s the first thing she puts on in the morning. man i rolled my eyes at her for two days after stomping on my joy.
why two? well i woke up one morning and remembered i had a pedometer, but when i looked at it, it looked like the battery was going dead, so later that day i went out and bought a new one. the first one, i guess felt threaten of being thrown out and somehow resurrected itself to working status. so now i have two. the next day, i said i would wear them both just to compare the steps. one was more hidden than the other – i had on a suit jacket. i always take off a few steps for bumps and accidental movements – but it’s pretty accurate when i take steps and i count them myself as well. i check the pedometer to see if it counted right.
the water helps a little. even that day when i was leaking, i still continued to drink water. it’s (water) supposed to be so great, so show me. i guess i want to believe that it is making a small difference – controlling my sweet tooth.
725 calories. woah momma. i never believe the calorie count on the machines. i always think i deserve more calories burned for the work i’m doing.
holding up hands now waving bye bye. wow this reply comment is a book, but you get me talking woman.
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well i think this is one of the most FUNNIEST STORIES you have ever written… baby alive, betsy wetsy, oh girl it was too funny… always a joy!
p.s. u got me on the title, i was waiting to see brad pitt, val killmer, etc.
is that right, most funniest? hmmm. well thank you. yep i was leaking – probably way over 8 cups by the end of the day, but some websites say tea and coffee don’t count as your water. i don’t know what to believe.
ps – thanks for making your behind the scene comment public. it makes the post funnier. hahha, on the post title. you can’t judge a post by its title or can you? oh yeah i blew up the forum on my website, please re-register. please.
I am cracking up over here. I drink TONS of water so I have been in your exact situation.
it’s good to laugh. i’m trying to drink more water, but i also have tea and coffee. i drink at least 3/4 liquids before i leave home, sip tip and water all day. i was bound to blow.
meleah rebeccah´s last blog post..Personal Reasons
But yeah, what is with that co-worker? She sounds a little obnoxious.
i don’t know . i was very surprised she said that, but i wear my smart *** remarks on my hip too, next to my pedometer, for easy slinging. i wonder if she will read this. i still stop by her office everyday to chat and continue to annoy the crap out of her. thank you.
meleah rebeccah´s last blog post..Personal Reasons
Hi Natural – I LOVE your humor. I’m still laughing as I write this. I love the part where you wrote, “I seriously thought it would be easier to just pour 8 cups of water into the toilet, bypass the middle man and call it a truce.” That just cracked me up.
BTW: I would love to work with you. It sounds like you make the work place a joyful place.
Bottoms up!
thanks barbara.
oh i don’t ever remember going to the bathroom that much in such a short period of time. i couldn’t believe it. yep it was going through me that fast, i felt i didn’t matter and could just cut me out. i’m sure it didn’t have a chance to get warm, TMI. 
i’m very quiet at work, unless i’m comfortable with you, then i teeter on annoying, crazy and silly. i like to laugh or perform? trust me, they need it there.
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Really funny article! This is my first time to visit so I’ll have to make sure I come back
.
Thanks for the post!
thanks happiness is better. glad you enjoyed. i like to mix it up here.
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LMBO!!!!!!!!!!! Val, you sure know how to make my day. I love your sense of humor.
flattery around here is like visa, it will get you every where you want to be e.g. in my will, front row seats to my show, a photograph of you on my mantel. i think i’m adopted, nobody will answer my questions. glad you enjoyed.
Absolutely hysterical! The joys of growing up are terrific. You try to do a good thing and the body just shuts down. It seems as though your work out regiment and your eating habits are good. The body just takes time to adjust.
i’m really trying this time, grog. so far i’m happy with the results, but i have a lot more work to do. i am at a point where i look forward to exercise, but not drinking water.
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hey Natural,
I’m glad you didn’t stop blogging. This one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read. The pictures are awesome. You have a sense of wit and humor that most of us can only dream about. Thank you for making me laugh, and laugh, and laugh.
BTW, this reminds me of when I flew a small plane (4 seater) with two friends on a three hour trip. There was no place to relieve oneself. About 30 minutes into the flight I realized I should have gone before I left. I had drunk extra water just to make sure I wouldn’t get dehydrated. Anyway, I think I have a pair of those watermelon teeth on my bladder too, but they turned on me for the next two and a half hours. It was no laughing matter though… ~ steve, the trade show guru
uh steve, halfway through your comment my checkbook was out, ready to pay you for the compliment. of course, i don’t have any money in my checking account, but if you hold on to that check, it should be good in about 5-10 years. just wait and see. wow that makes me smile, a lot. glad i made you laugh.
you fly planes? cool. cessnas, pipers, which one? that’s all i know. my brother is a pilot – he took me up in a cessna once. i fell asleep. well at least i didn’t have to use the bathroom.
well you could have just made a different kind of rain. rofl.
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LMAO Valerie – I’ve been there. I tried some detox mix and it was even worse. You might be better getting one of those hospital bed-pans the hospitals use and keeping it under your desk. Mind you – I haven’t tried it, so I don’t know how tricky it would be.
hey cath. i’m okay at home. i’m used to going frequently, but nothing ever like what happened at work. ever. something was pressing on my bladder for sure. payback.
Ok I almost peed MYself reading about your bladder that hates you! LOL – Oddly enough water doesn’t make me pee nearly as often as tea does. Tea makes me pee. HAHAHA Forgive me… I just took a Vicodine and I’m feeling kinda silly.
darn, i should have finished off this post with the care package i created for people with weak bladders…..i should have gone into marketing. silly is good and welcomed for this post. vicodin seems to be the drug of choice around here. another line i wasn’t standing in and missed out on. well, i’ll always have advil.
i have to sign off like you do now….
peace and depends for adults
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Coffee and Tea are natural diuretics so that will cause the gotta-go gotta-go gotta-go right now situation!
uh huh. kinda weird. i’m not new to drinking tea and coffee, but tea, coffee and lots of water? can’t hold much. i had, maybe, 2 cups of water yesterday, 3 or 4 cups of tea and 1 cup of coffee
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This is really a funny article. It has got every bit of flavour.
thanks brooks. i got flavour? cool.
haha, it is FUNNY…and so true…
coffee has the same affect on me.
coffee doesn’t bother me. isn’t that funny or maybe it’s all lumped in with the water. i’m sure it was the water that day.
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Oh, I so hear ya on the water issue. I think I was up 10 times last night. I have a pain in my left side and after looking at your diagram I’m beginning to think my kidneys are playing up on me. Great!
That’s the best Lucy clip, isn’t it? I had a Frasier clip on my blog and I must have watched it a dozen times.
Well, gotta go (and you know what I mean)!
Kat
that’s one thing i don’t do kat. i do not get up at night time to do anything. if i do, i’m i’ll. i make sure i go 100 times before i get in the bed, cause once i’m in the bed, ahhhhh. well who wants to get up to go use the bathroom. not. i LOVE that Lucy clip!!! some of the best comedy that was on TV, when TV was worth watching. I watch her on TV Land when I can.
Ugh, I am sooo with you on the just dumping the 8 glasses down the toilet. I drink a lot of water everyday and pee like a hundred times a day. Not usually a problem, but at work there is a woman who sits at the end of the long hall to/from the restroom. I swear that woman must think “Gees, is she going AGAIN?!!!”. I really really hope she isn’t counting….
i know i’m up and down a lot going myself. i get stopped in the hallway like i should have a hall pass but sometimes i wear my: if you don’t move i will pee on you face and then, well, everything parts like the red sea.
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Awesome blog you have, uplifting and powerful and well written!
thank you early. you sure you’re talking about me?
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lol, Val, this is so funny. i’m still smiling right now. I also have a big compartment and last year when i tried losing weight, i tried gulping down more than 10 glasses in a day so i’d feel full. it kinda worked for me but it’s not a very wise idea when you’re working or going out.
greeting liza. if i count the tea, coffee and water i think i get my 8 cups of water a day and maybe more on some days. otherwise i can drink about 4/5 cups of water and that’s it for me.
love this post!
Heh! You’re funny. Especially enjoyed the part where you shout out the number of trips to the bathroom. I think the safe way to do it is to gradually increase the quantity of water you drink, so you give your body some time to get used to it.
hi ling. hehehe. you are probably right, the gradual process. i have to hit the ground running sometimes, easing into things is probably the way to go.
substitute JD for the water and everything will look rosy..:)
oh no, no JD for me. i rather eat cookies if i’m going to consume calories. nice to see you RB
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To pee or not to pee, that, really, is the question, right?
peace,
mike
livelife365
no, that’s never the question really. the question is probably where. my bladder doesn’t hold a grudge or water. i obey it.
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Ha! Brilliant – but just think of all those extra calories burned trotting backwards and forwards to the loo! Maybe we should all set up a blog diet club … Blog Watchers? 20lbs would do nicely
hi kate and welcome. i did the weight loss blog before. too much up keep and i gave it up. i write little blurbs about my achievements or setback on my private blog – that i haven’t updated in weeks. thanks for stopping by and i’ll see you again.
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This post is HILARIOUS!! I knew you were wise and informative but this funny too!
I think my stomach only has 3 compartments… steak, wine and cookies.
Personally, I think people are getting too obsessed with water and are over-drinking, but that’s just my opinion.
Good luck with the 20 lbs. I’ve dropped 8 and would love to lose another 8.
hey Jannie, thanks for making me smile. i will say i think it has helped a little, the water drinking. i still want cookies, but i have not overdosed in a while. that, my dear, is a miracle. actually my bet it to lose 15lbs, i’m almost there, but i’m going to lose 20 because my gift to me when i do is to pig out on cookies.
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Hello,
Cool blog, I just stumbled on it and I’m already a fan
I recently lost 30 pounds in 30 days, and I want to share my weight loss success
with everyone. I wrote about my experience
on my blog, and I would appreciate your feedback!
If I can lose weight then any one can. Whatever you do, don’t give up and you WILL
achieve all your weight loss goals!
Thanks for reading,
Joan
30lbs in 30days. serious, for real serious? i checked out your blog. well that’s amazing then. i have no plans on giving up and thanks for the encouragement. i will do this.
Latest blog post: dietetics society
Awesome story! I so sympathize with your plight. I’ve always drank alot of liquids, especially diet pepsi and water. For many years, I probably drank at least two 2 liter bottles of DP a day plus a couple bottles of water. Crazy I know. I ended up finally getting off of it several months ago. Now I go in streaks with it. The only problem is that now when I drink diet pepsi it shoots right through me and I have this sudden, intense urge to pee. I actually have had to excuse myself in the middle of conversations to dash to the bathroom. It is freakin crazy!! Even at the height of my dp drinking I never had to go this bad.
it’s rare, but i can’t drink a lot of water, i like it, but i have to want it…like after a strenuous workout or something and only water will do. don’t drink soda much, i used to be on a pepsi kick, then sprite, no if i do have a soda, i’m stuck on orange – haven’t had one this year though. oh well, there’s a glass of water on the table i’m trying to finish. something was a little off that day, for me for sure.
Buf´s last blog post..Why not.
Just don’t change your computer “cookies.”
Or I should say — I should not change mine, it’s so nice to breeze through the comment section and be lovingly welcomed back here with my name and URL waiting.
i hope i don’t eat my computer cookies either. oh i think i’m milking this post – time for a new one – and welcome back. you always are.
Jannie Funster´s last blog post..So there!
OMG, that is hilarious! I drink a gallon of green tea daily and somehow manage to piss out about 5 gallons while I’m at work. I take different routs to the bathroom so people think I’m actually working on something. Unfortunately, and against all logic, i dont seem to be losing any weight either! No matter how much i try! gaaah. ALso, that watermelon is definitely going to give me nightmares…but they are worth suffering through… for the laughs i got reading this.
hey i know you from over at JD’s spot! One gallon in and 5 gallons out. funny! it seems that way. i was running a bit yesterday before i got to office. how do you spell relief? b-a-t-h-r-o-o-m. Ahhhhh.
D at Seafoodpunch´s last blog post..Quetzalcoatl’s Beans
This is hilarious and crazy!! Wow!! Well, my insides resemble a desert. Seriously. I can’t manage to drink too much of anything. I am on this Ruby Red kick, but other than that, yeah, no. Here’s to a long life…
hey VeRonda. A desert? Well mine probably looked the same way before going on a drinking binge in an effort to stay full…ruby red? I don’t know what that is, will go yahoole it.
haha. yes! i get around. =P I hope Idothings doesnt feel like I’m cheating, though.
JD is cool, but you better not make her mad. i’m scared of her myself.
i’ll spray the air over here so she doesn’t suspect.
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I recently found your blog on entrecard and I think it is pretty cool. I really enjoyed reading this post!
thanks cascia, hope to see you here again.
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Your illustrations say it all!! I enjoyed your post! Very funny!! I tend to hang around my bathroom early in the mornings as it is the time when I drink most of my daily water requirement!
hey evelyn, nice to see you again and thanks. fortunately, i haven’t had an episode like that again, so yay.
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I laughed all the way through this post. It also reminded of a time when I was pregnant and was getting an ultrasound. They made me drink TONS of water and then I wasn’t allowed to go the bathroom. When you’re pregnant, even a teaspoon of water makes you go. As the hospital I was going to was about a half hour away, I thought I would literally lose it (both emotionally and physically) before they finally took me in for the test. I also loved your demon possessed bladder…so true :~)
hi sara, well you can take me out of the pregnant pool. actually yesterday i made several trips to the bathroom in a short period of time and i was like oh no, but it wasn’t as bad, but almost. thanks for stopping by.
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Hahaha! Very graphic illustrations!
Maybe you switched too suddenly and your bladder decided you were drowning and it better bail out! Anyway, glad it’s over (I hope).
oh yeah it’s over. i had maybe one threat, but nothing like this before. i have decreased drinking water and maybe that’s why i’m trying to eat everything that’s not nailed down
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Val:
Too funny and too true. I have the same weight loss plan, just need to drop 15 or so lbs, drink lots of water, exercise (well walk), ect. same results. I drink AT LEAST 12 glasses of water a day from the time I get up till the time I get home from work.
I also tried to eat fiberone bars as a filler too, they are great, convenient and actually taste good. I don’t recommend more than 2 a day, total opposite affect of what you might expect!
i have 10 more pounds to go, but i’m happy with my progress so far, although people lose weight much faster than i am. i haven’t completely given up cookies and chocolate, so it will take longer. i’m sipping on my water now, but have not had another episode like that…close, but not the same.
i tried the fiber one bars and i don’t think i had any problems. i bought something (fiber bar) yesterday i’ve been eating like tic tacs.
Dee Langdon-BloggerNewbie´s last blog post..Annoying or Helpful?
When we are told to drink more water to loose more weight, they mean to trade water for all the cokes, milk shakes, and heavily sugar charged beverages we have daily, it is amazing the progress you can get just not drinking coke or any other soda. But if you go an drink 5 glasses at once trying to set a new Guinness record what did you spec, you should drink them a long the hole day,
i’m a moron, sorry and i also don’t drink soda. maybe 5 times a year. maybe. thanks for visiting, come back again.